Tale Tues: Aliens and Cow Udders

Aliens roost under Little Bro’s bed at night.

I may be obsessed with chickens lately, but I say roost because these aliens seem to have deflocked by morning, when the sun is up and Little Bro can turn out his lights.

Which are on all night long. Desk light. Overhead light. Night-light.

Aliens don’t like light evidently…or not these roosting ones, that materialize only to stick Little Bro’s toes with pins, and if he falls asleep (which he hasn’t done “in five thousand years”) to drill more “belly buttons” into his stomach.

Some have cow teats (and udders) on their shoulders and sing Gangnam Style:

…and have long tails:

Or if no tails, enormous feet with three toes, and they burp:

With big eyes, they can be reminiscent of a rather pudgy Mo Willem’s pigeon who as well, refuses to go to sleep in Don’t Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late:

I had Little Bro draw these pictures of his roosting aliens one night in the hope of exorcising them, as the nightly there-are-aliens-under-my bed routine was getting old. (Especially as our electric bills were mounting.)

The cow teats were most likely inspired by a dinner table conversation that same night, as I had set in front of each of my boys a glass of milk.

Since they were weaned, both Big and Little Bro have refused to touch the stuff. I’ve been reduced to trying to meet normal calcium intakes via cheese sticks and icecream, and it was time to make a milk stand.

They crinkled their noses. “Gross.”

I tried scare tactics. That they would stay small forever, with tiny little bones.

“I don’t care,” Little Bro said. “It’s cow pee.”

Cow pee?

“What else is it? Cows pee milk out their pee-pees.”

Sometimes I wonder if they’re starting to doubt other fantasticals, like Santa or the Easter bunny, but if cows can pee milk, then maybe….not.

Without having to go into too much graphic detail, I tried to explain about cow udders. Until I Googled udders, and realized what I meant to be talking about are teats.

Which not only can be used to milk cows evidently, but also aliens.

When Little Bro had finished drawing his aliens, I folded up the paper, and putting it in my pocket, said the aliens would be saying goodnight and leaving the room with me.

Little Bro grabbed his blankie, curled into a fetus position, and I doubted how convincing this little exorcism had been.

Especially since he still wouldn’t turn out the lights.

And twenty minutes later he was coming down the stairs because he heard something under his bed.

“Did you check?” I asked.

“Of course I checked. That doesn’t mean anything…”

Of course it doesn’t. Aliens can be invisible. That’s the problem with aliens. They can be anything you want them to be. Besides donning cow udders on their shoulders and burping, they can pass through walls; they can have long arms to reach down from the moon to snatch you; they can drill belly button holes. It’s therefore particularly hard to dispute their existence.

Especially since at some point Little Bro on one of our library excursions had visited the alien children’s section. Which evidently has children’s books on aliens that aren’t so fantastical as fairy tales.

“There were pictures. Real ones.”

How did I miss these alien books?

Easy. Little Bro is famous for losing himself wherever we go. Restaurants. Parks. Libraries. So I’m the yelling mom between stacks looking for Lost Child sneaking peeks at actual photographs no doubt of UFO spottings and shadowy amorphous images of aliens.

I could perhaps take the exorcism further and burn the drawings in the fireplace. But aliens seem to be invincible.

So the alien talks may just have to remain as much a part of Little Bro’s bedtime routine as picking his nose (yes, that seems harder to outgrow than thumb sucking) for some time to come. But I admit. Although I have no answers, I’m far more comfortable with alien talks, than I am with ones about lactation that may then lead to the birds and horny little bees.



About Sandra

Author;editor of The Woven Tale Press at thewoventalepress.net; mother; weaver
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13 Responses to Tale Tues: Aliens and Cow Udders

  1. Kathy says:

    My goodness, you do have your hands full don’t you? LOL Your kids have big imaginations and that is a good thing.


  2. Loy says:

    Very funny post…although I don’t imagine the aliens are so funny at night time when all you want is a little peace and quiet. And good luck with the birds and ‘horny little bees’!

  3. Well, I remember a time when I was afraid to let any of my extremities extend over the corner of the mattress for fear of monsters being able to grab them since my blanket wasn’t protecting them anymore. I don’t remember where I got that idea. However, for you – you might mention that since those alien monster are ‘hiding under the bed’ they’re afraid of him, else they wouldn’t be hiding. It’s not the light they’re afraid of, but him. It might take a while for that one to digest, but it aught to help. As far as calcium intake, I wouldn’t worry too much about milk. Vitamins are good too, and swiss cheese is made from milk.

  4. Sandra says:

    Oh. Good advice Anna! I’ll try that tonight, the limbs idea. And yes, we try to eat a lot of cheese!

  5. adorable stories…

    i had the thought, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” concerning the aliens. have you heard of this artist who creates dolls from your child’s artwork? http://www.childsown.com/ maybe if you make little bro his own alien dolls to protect him from the other aliens you could turn this whole thing into a wonderful creative win/win opportunity?

    also, i’m with them on the milk — yuk! humans are the only animal on the planet that drinks another animal’s milk. doesn’t that seem weird?

    good luck!

  6. Tea says:

    We’re a milk drinking family here, and I almost envy you. I buy four gallons of milk on grocery day, and another two or sometimes three throughout the week. I can’t fit more than four in my fridge, otherwise, I’d just buy eight at a go.
    I’ve never had to deal with any kids’ nighttime demons, so I don’t have real advice for you, but I STILL can’t sleep unless I’m fully covered- toes to nose, because obviously the blankets are an impenetrable fortress. I’d cover my head too, but I’m mildly claustrophobic and need a fan blowing on my face so I feel like I’m outside.
    People’s sleep deals are weird.

  7. steph says:

    I found myself smiling throughout the post. But that’s easy for me, I don’t have to try and convince him he’s safe. I feel your frustration. And yet, it’s funny. I thought it was a great idea to say they were coming with you when you left the room. Too bad it didn’t work. My niece, who is 11 now, went through this for awhile and my sister could do little to assuage her fears. I wish I had a magic answer. She just grew out of it. Anna’s idea sounds like it’s certainly worth a try. Sweet post, I enjoyed it.

  8. I immensely enjoyed this short story about “Little Bro and Space Aliens.” It was written to make it interesting and exciting. The story line grasped my attention immediately and its well-written pros caused me to continue reading.

    Thank you.

  9. Aunt Mary says:

    Hahaha…Lol ! . All your posts have some funny lines , you have very good sense of humor and you know how to use it which makes your posts interesting and different. I love them for this reason.Thumbs up! 🙂

    • Sandra says:

      Thanks aunt Mary. But credit the humor to my kids. Their wise, I don’t think I could have come up with cows peeing milk on my own.

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