Tale Tues: My “New” Look at 50

Lesson learned: Don’t go to the optometrist and frame shopping when depressed.

Or at least not the day after you’ve crossed the threshold of 50.

I did wholeheartedly try to ditch that 0 nipping at the heels of the 5 by pretending I’d only turned five, but waking up that first morning in this new decade, 50 found me. Nipped like our pup, at my bed sheets, for me to rise and shine.

Because I happened to have an optometrist appointment! I needed new glasses!

Which depressed me further, as the optometrist announced that, now that I’m 50, it’s time to start checking for cataracts.

Cataracts.

Before that, it was enough that I hate picking out new frames. Who doesn’t?

My mother. Or so it seems, as she has the patience to frame shop hop, and the boldness to request every patient technician to put on hold a specific frame while she thinks about it – and forgets where she saw what frame. So she has to commence frame shopping all over again, to leave more trails of frames scattered like dessecated insects across optician counters.

The only thing I hate more than helping my mother pick out her frames, is picking out my own.

These racks I find as daunting as shopping for tampons, where all the different tampons start to look the same:

So I usually select frames in two seconds. And it’s a difficult two seconds; I am virtually blind without glasses, so trying to see myself in new frames is ludicrous.

Unless I literally stick my nose to one of these:

Which, beyond the bridge of your nose, is not exactly seeing how you look.

So I have to rely on the nice technicians who either tell you everything looks great on you to move you along out the door, or resort to “Depends on the look you’re going for.”

The look? What look does one go for at 50?

I had no clue, as I was a baby 50, fresh out of the 50th crib.

So I went with something similar to my old look, and picked out these:

But they’re finally not my old look. My old look was bland. In that they didn’t have fancy jazzy arms!

All frames now seem to have fancy jazzy arms, so I decided I would have to live with what I thought were little sheep on the arms:

My old look was also brandless. These are Versace! Which I didn’t even clue into until I was picking up my new frames, and the technician sneered when I complained about the sheep and told me they’re not sheep, they’re the Versace logo.

You can see how clueless I am about brands, and if we didn’t have vision insurance which allows for a new pair of frames every two years, (thanks to my husband’s hateful job which is driving him into the ground, but at least he’ll be buried wearing nearly-free frames) I might not even have considered Versace. I would have gone with something cheapo – maybe a different look, if I’d been so bold as to make a change now that I’m 50.

I’m not bold. I’m afraid of change. I don’t even like a change of seasons; I’m startled by the sharp little green shoots now poking up through old snow. Rattled.

So I walked out in my new/old look which no one noticed were actually new frames, not even my husband.

So I had to announce the fact as I have to announce when I have a cold that I am sick to get any attention:  “I’m wearing new glasses.”

My husband peered at me as if he couldn’t finally see very well out of his own new glasses ( a truly radical new look, but he’s not fresh out of the 50th crib, having learned to at least crawl and give up pacifiers, at 52).

“Oh, they are new….” he said deeply dubiously.

I asked if he could see the sheep.

“Sheep?”

I took them off for him to get a better look and noticed this:

Rhinestones! I hate rhinestones! I don’t wear anything rhine-stone studded! No T-shirts, no low hanging jeans with rhinestone studded pockets!

“No one will notice, if you didn’t even notice,” he said.

Maybe true. However, now that I did notice, they seemed as prominent as this cow on our neighbor’s lawn:

But just as I pass this cow every day walking the dog and wonder why on earth anyone would have such a lawn ornament, I never think to ask.

So do not ask about not only the rhinestones, but the creepy sheepy Versace little men on my arms, and I won’t ask you about your own odd lawn ornaments.


About Sandra

Author;editor of The Woven Tale Press at thewoventalepress.net; mother; weaver
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30 Responses to Tale Tues: My “New” Look at 50

  1. I still haven’t gotten over the 50. I had a hard time with 30, but 40 didn’t bother me. 50 just about killed me. 🙂

  2. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I hate picking out glasses. Our glasses places has this “nice” program that takes photographs of you wearing all of your top choices so you can stare at 6 images of yourself, two at a time. Better or worse? Better or worse? Someone burned a rut in my most recent pair of glasses with a hot curling iron, so now I’m wearing my ten year old “Benjamin Franklins” – Tiny, frameless glasses, nice for revealing how thick my prescription is. Ugh. Thank God for my contacts.

  3. Thirty was scary for me, but forty was okay. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about 50. I look in the mirror each morning, afternoon, and evening. I wonder when it will hit me that I’m old. And then one day it hit me. I’m a day older today, just like everyone else around me.

    🙂

    Happy Birthday, Sandra!

  4. I usually relentlessly shop for frames, looking for the most artistic frames I can find – alas, the frames people don’t seem to jive with my idea of artistic and don’t seem to produce anything worthy of my purchase.
    Must be ’cause I wore a neat pair of frames made by a company who doesn’t make them anymore. They were one of a kind, different colors, shape, etc., but wore out.

    I have the person take pics of me in the frames and then bring them home for opinions. Smart phones are very handy.

  5. Wylie says:

    Remind me to tell you about the time Matthew went glasses shopping by himself, and picked out this pair of glasses. When he came home wearing them, we laughed so hard, we could hardly speak. Then we made him go directly back to the store and exchange them!!!!! Hilarious!

    • Sandra says:

      wow, that bad? And you could exchange them once the prescription was done? Hmm. Maybe I can trade in my sheep. Remind me to show you my sheep in church…

  6. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was nine and early on I discovered I couldn’t wear the kind with the moveable nose pieces – they dug painfully into my nose (I have heavy lenses and they were heavier back in the days of glass). I also needed the keyhole bridge rather than the saddle bridge – saddle made a red dent across the top of my nose. Some years ago I discovered the exact frame that suited me (see my mug shot, which had become ubiquitous by now) and since I was afraid American Optical would stop manufacturing it, I ordered several pairs in blue or tan. They last a long time. I have two pairs in reserve right now. I expect them to last me until I die, which may be sooner than I would like considering how much worse my arthritis got after that fall on the ice and the broken rib! 🙁

  7. Tea says:

    I, too, am nearly blind without my glasses. I try to remember to wear my contacts on glasses-shopping day, except I do have cataracts (yeah, it’s not all about age, I’ve had them since I was 30) and they always want to dilate my pupils and blast me with air, and that means no contacts, so I always end up not having the foggiest idea what I look like in my new glasses until I actually get them. Blah. I hate glasses shopping.

  8. Barbra says:

    I’ve worn glasses since I was almost 5…yes, THAT 5 not the one you are coping with! fortunately since I wear contacts, I don’t replace the glasses very often.

  9. AmyMorgan says:

    Thanks for the smile this morning Sandra. I got MY new glasses just before my 50th in January and did nearly the same thing. I usually went for silver colored, very thin frames (i.e. nondescript!) and this time got a darker frame with a ‘little” bling on the side. They looked TOTALLY different when I picked them up and of course I’d lost my bravado nerve that I had when I picked them out. BUT…I have gotten used to them – and even would say I like them now. Hope you come around to your new look!
    PS – I agree with all the choices now – it was SUPER hard to negotiate the large side pieces and ornamentation! 🙂

  10. I have an issue with glasses that doesn’t seem to bother other people, same with contacts. You see, I can see them. Yes, I’ve tried contacts (a long time ago) and I could see the little buggers. So the first thing I look for in glasses is a really big lens opening and judge from there. My eyesight isn’t very far off and I don’t drive anymore so it’s been a long time since I bought any glasses. I might have to someday I suppose. My poor glasses spent so much time off my face, shoved in some corner (not sure where they are at the moment) the lenses are all scratched up. Plus, it doesn’t help that I have pretty oily skin so they keep sliding down my nose. When I do decide to get new glasses, can I marry you husband for a little while?

  11. Debbie says:

    I hate picking out new glasses too and am equally sight-challenged. Takes awhile to get used to the “new look”. I’m sure you’ll grow to enjoy your new glasses eventually, despite the rhinestones. (Not my taste either.) Bet nobody else will notice those. Always enjoy your humorous posts. 🙂

  12. JoAnne says:

    So sorry about your glasses ordeal. I don’t like to shop either. My son-in-law made some remark about the “bling” on my glasses, and I didn’t even know what “bling” was!
    I was VERY happy to turn 50 for many reasons. From that time on, I didn’t care what anybody else thought of me. I decided I was going to take care of myself. I started hiking and backpacking. I began planning a sabbatical abroad. I looked forward to liberation from the reproductive syndrome. I thought I’d better start doing all the things I wanted to do before I died. Turning 50 can be a blessing and a liberation.

    • Sandra says:

      I’ll try to think of turning 50 as a liberation then, JoAnne, though I have two small boys so don’t have too much freedom to get too liberated!:)

  13. Kathy says:

    I am about as blind as a bat so I have a hard time picking out glasses too. I am not looking forward to 50 at all. This year I will be 45, so I still have a little bit to go.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

  14. Holly says:

    The best part of this already well written blog post was the unexpected cow on the neighbours lawn….I’m still laughing. I will never understand people.

  15. LOL. No question, definitely! BTW., how is your ‘sheep’ doing? 🙂

  16. aunt mary says:

    Thank you so much for making me laugh ,what an awesome post 🙂

  17. Joyce says:

    Happy birthday. I found turning forty tougher than turning fifty. It’s all a state of mind… if you still have one at your age.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

  18. Sandra this is great!!! And oh boy can I relate! I hate shopping for new frames, especially when the doctor is standing over you, WATCHING you try on each pair. A little privacy, please!!! As for lawn decorations, that cow is pretty bad but I know of a house nearby that has a giant horse painted in rainbow colors on the front lawn. Psychedelic, mannnnn…….

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  20. Uh oh. We might be twins.

    I ended up with purple glasses WITH rhinestones.

    And I still loose them.

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